Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
You Might Also Like
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.