*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
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3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Match dot com, but for socks.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
That earthquake could have been an email.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
how to have fun when you’re poor
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.