me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
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“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*