Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
emergency phone
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me