*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
You Might Also Like
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat