Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
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Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!