Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I had to Stop for this
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.