Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
You Might Also Like
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.