remember
only for emergencies
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Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
absolutely not
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
when you order from DoorDastardly
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.