Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
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Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
It do be feeling this way.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.