Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
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Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
More like Kate Missington.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.