[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.