“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
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Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
This is amazing.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…