I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it