If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.