Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
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I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets