* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.