Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
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Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Ha
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up