Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
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You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time