What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.