I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
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creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.