“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
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Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.