[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
You Might Also Like
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂