In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
why I oughta
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now