“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
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Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.