Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.