There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
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[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold