Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
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[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I have so many questions.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.