What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
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One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.