My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
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I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.