I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
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My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
no cat here
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
What the dentist sees
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”