At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The most important meal of the day is the next one
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk