I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son