[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
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[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…