You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.