Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.