hear me out : pockets for your socks
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No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Phew
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Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.