Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
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trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me