[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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You have been warned.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”