Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence