If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
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inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE