Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
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My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world