Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
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[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I want this so bad
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
this is the greatest thing ever
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
incredible book dedication
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.