My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
You Might Also Like
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Bro what is this
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**