This is my brand.
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“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Good morning!
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
me and the Superbowl rn
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people