Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
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“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.