Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
You Might Also Like
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Practicing safe sax
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.