ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
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Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.