The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Something Saturday.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam