Well. That’s not a good sign.
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!